oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
