Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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