the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize