Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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