This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
