All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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