My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
