It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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