Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
