Just cropdusted the office
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
