My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
