He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
