we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
