Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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