the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
