i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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