Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
