im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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