Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I would fuck him just for his dog
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
