please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
try to milk me bitch
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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