i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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