Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
i think my cat just said my name.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
