The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
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