I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
How does it feel to date your dad?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
