Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
