She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize