it wasn't lemon gatorade
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
He felt like a one man threesome
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
