There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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