Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
