i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize