i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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