i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
