I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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