she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Randomize
