I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
