if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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