Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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