i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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