I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Randomize
