the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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