god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You ruined the universe
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
