Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
