your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
