Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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