Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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