After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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