Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You have to summon your inner elephant
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Never joke about your clitoris.
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