i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
