Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
