I can text with my tongue
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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