maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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