He asked to "fluff my boner.."
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
