you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
