When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
