I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I deserve this hangover.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
