So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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