I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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