Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
