My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
