Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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