i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
