Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
