My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
