It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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