Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
