Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
