Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
