I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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